I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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