i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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