I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
