Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
