my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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