i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
