god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
