I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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