for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
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Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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