I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
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I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
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I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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