so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
