I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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