Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
