Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
