One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
