I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
