Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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