Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
