I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
