I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
