So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
