Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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