i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
