i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You may now shotgun with the bride
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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