shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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