Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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