I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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