I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
