Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
