Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
