new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
