My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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