You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
