my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
