New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I have fence marks all over my body
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
