if only i could text you this smell
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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