Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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