It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
