listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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