My sheets look like a crime scene.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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