based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
