Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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