You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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