I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
