I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
