to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
