these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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