I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
