I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
