12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
