Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
