When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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