if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
