she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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