I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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