I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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