Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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