We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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