does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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